Saturday, December 10, 2016

That Time of Year

It's been exactly a year since I last posted here. (Drafted a post or two, but didn't publish them). The last line of my last post was, "I guess it's just the time of year." I guess it is. Over the last several weeks, a friend has been put through the wringer, going through follow-up testing after a genetic screen showed an increased risk for anomalies for their little one.  Because of multiple procedural errors with the lab work, the final diagnosis was delayed, and the tests had to be repeated. Finally, yesterday, they heard what they didn't want to hear. We're not besties, but my heart is breaking for her and her husband.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Random ramblings

I didn't sleep well last night. It was partly because I was very aware that today was Morgan's due date anniversary, and partly because of a tragic story I read before bed.  I knew today was coming. This, the fourth holiday season without Morgan, and it affects me differently each time. This morning, my first thought upon waking was that we should be having a Frozen" birthday party this weekend. Would she have liked the sagas of Elsa and Anna? Would my days be filled with alternating between multiple ear bursting renditions of "Let It Go" by Morgan, and repeated reading of Lola Loves Stories for Avery?

Morgan is the little girl I never knew, but I miss everything about her. Based on their in-utero behaviors, I'm pretty sure my girls would be like night and day. Avery is a pretty chill, go with the flow kind of kid, but Morgan did not hesitate to let me know if she was not happy with the position in which I was laying or sitting. Anyone who thinks the rainbow will replace the lost baby and make everything better is sorely mistaken. One of the hardest parts about parenting a rainbow is that it drives home all that you've missed the first time around.

It seems lately, that reminders are, oddly, everywhere. Somehow, the book Someone Came Before You ended up on Avery's book shelf. This weekend, she pulled it out from amongst her many books. I held my breath, and silently  begged her not to ask me to read it as she turned it around in her hands, looking it over. While we talk about big sister often, I'm not ready to read this book.

A coworker is pregnant, and experiencing some complications. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it puts me on edge. I stay low level anxious until anyone I know has safely delivered their little one. Between my own pregnancy, and two coworkers, I've had some degree of pregnancy related anxiety for nearly 2 years!

At work, a recently hired coworker has a baby girl named Morgan. Another new coworkers name is Morgan. I don't think I've ever known a Morgan, and suddenly, they're everywhere.

When I was pregnant with Morgan, a classmate was pregnant with twin boys, due just days before me. A Facebook photo of them and their birthday presents a few weeks back physically hurt.

In guess it's just the time of year.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Three years...

Roughly five hours from now, at 2:25 am, will mark three years since my Morgan entered and left this world.  I've been dreading this week since the beginning of the month.  The first year, I was miserable.  Nashville is just cold enough to spawn a wave of fall time babies.  July 2013, everyone except me, it seemed, was pregnant.  July 2014, it was my turn, and close enough to our due date to be optimistic.  This year, I'm not pregnant (and not wanting to be, right now), and baby Avery keeps me too busy to mope and mourn.

It's an interesting place, parenting after a loss.  How to parent the living child? The only child who's not an only child.  The child who allowed me to smile a true smile for the first time in two years.  How to parent the child who does not get to play with her baby sister, show her how to be a big girl, and blame her for so much mischief?  How to preserve her memory when no one else does?  When I purposefully suppress it to fully enjoy the days with baby sister?

As we've done the last two years, we'll celebrate Morgan's day with a birthday treat.  This year, it will be a homemade cookie cake.  With work, and the every day routine, there won't be a lot of time to truly focus on Morgan's memory, and that, by itself, makes me sad.

Monday, September 29, 2014


Little Miss Avery Makena!  We are beyond excited, grateful, and relieved that our little girl is here safe and sound. Avery certainly has her own personality, and decided to schedule her own C-section. She was born at 10:59am on September 23, three days ahead of the plan.  6pounds, 11 ounces of sweetness.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Catching up

Things have been pretty quiet here on the old blog.  There hasn't been too much to say.

HOWEVER, Friday was a red ribbon kind of day.  Why? I officially made 34 weeks pregnant! In just under three weeks, we WILL have our healthy little girl in our arms.  Last week, my doctor said Friday would be the "point of no return."  If I happen to go into labor between now and C-section day, they won't stop it.  Straight to the OR I'll go.

Why did we keep it a secret for so long?
We felt that social support after losing Morgan was pretty limited, and thought it would be easier to endure an unannounced loss than another announced loss where it seemed as if no one cared.

Long before I conceived, we were pretty sure that knowledge of this pregnancy would be on a need-to-know basis.  It's certainly been a weird place to be: growing more and more excited as each week passes uneventfully, but afraid that the moment anything was said out loud, that everything would fall apart.  We didn't even tell our parents until the very end of  the second trimester.  That wasn't too hard, considering we don't live anywhere near family.  I've started, several times, to reveal here, but chickened out. Again, it seemed like speaking of the pregnancy would be the moment it fell apart. No one else knows and will not know until she's here safe and sound.  I'm sure there will be some hurt feelings, but tough turkey.

How are things going?
Aside from what seems like a billion doctor's appointments, it's been a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  The TAC is doing it's job, and my cervix hasn't budged.  I only saw the high risk doctor once, when we developed a care plan. My OB has stuck to the plan, and we haven't had any issues.  But boring does not mean stress free! The physical demands have been few, but the emotional demands of a rainbow pregnancy have made up for that, and even made the physical discomforts worse. When you know too much, it's easy for your mind to run wild.

What was the care plan?
Because there's not a whole lot they could do for my incompetent cervix above and beyond the TAC, it's been mostly a lot of monitoring.  I have had several ultrasounds to check cervical length in the second trimester.  Because I tested low for a protein (pregnancy associated plasma protein A aka Papp-A) associated with placenta dysfunction, I was placed on a regimen of baby aspirin to prevent pre-eclampsia.  I also got another series of ultrasounds to monitor Baby's growth.  Aside from being anterior (on the front side), the placenta is fine.  Little miss missy has stayed around the 75th percentile!  I also have been getting weekly Makena (17OHP progesterone) injections to prevent preterm labor since week 16.  Only 2 more to go!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Have you ever forgotten your own birthday?  Have you ever wanted to?

Last week, a coworker suggested we have lunch sometime this week.  She suggested Thursday. We have a standing conference call every Thursday morning that lasts about two hours, and it drives her crazy.  So, I, not really thinking it through, asked if she was expecting this week's call to be especially horrendous. "No, you know,'s July 24...."

Oh. Yeah.  It is my birthday, isn't it?  Two years ago, I would have spent the entire month leading up to my birthday planning out some new cake flavor combo or recipe, complete with piped frosting or even fondant.  This year, I picked up a cake mix that I may or may not make.

These days, I only think of my birthday in an abstract way.  It's another day, but more than anything, it ushers in the week leading up to Morgan's day on July 28.  Rather than think of my own cake, I wonder what kind of cake she'd like.  Would a two year old really have any kind of preference? Chocolate only, like her Daddy? Would she be able to pick her own party theme? I'll never, ever know.

What I do know is that I miss my little birthday girl terribly.  The day to day is OK, but times like this are the worst.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Angel Tree

Morgan was supposed to have been our Christmas present last year, with a due date of December 10th. This year would have been her first "real" Christmas where she might have some idea of what was going on and be able to play with the pile of toys she surely would have gotten.

Last week,  while discussing our future family, my husband told me, "We have a lot of love to give".  This is true, and while I would love to pour that love on our baby girl, that is not to be.  But, I thought it would be a good idea to pour that love on another little girl Morgan's age by adopting an Angel from the Salvation Army's Angel Tree program.

If you're not familiar with the program, families who are unable to provide holiday gifts to their children can sign up with the Angel Tree program.  The parent lists a couple of needs and a couple of wants. Individual children (or entire families) can be adopted.  The Salvation Army suggests filling the need plus 2-3 toys.

It's funny, I felt really good to have had this idea, and went into the room where C was to tell him about it.  By the time I walked across the house, I could barely get the words out.  They give you the option to select the Angel from the trees at the mall or online.  I chose the online option, as you can filter by age and gender, and I had no intention of going to the mall this weekend.  Doing so was a good option, as that also made me cry.  It hurt my heart to see eight one year old girls were in need and had not yet been selected.  Especially with the donation deadline coming up next week.

Parents of the children don't ask for much.  Our child needed clothes and wanted a push toy and a doll. We got her a couple of outfits and the toys.  Since I'm no longer in school, we had it to give.  I'm pretty sure we would have spent way more on Morgan, just to watch her put the boxes on her head!

I don't know what happens to the kids who aren't chosen.  But if you can, and you're looking for a positive way to deal with missing your baby, this might be an option.