Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The (Anti) Grief Diet

In the three weeks after we lost Morgan, I lost about 15-20 pounds.  I'd been wanting to lose the weight I gained in graduate school (about 30 lbs.), and in  this terrible twist of fate, VOILA!  At the time, I told my husband that at least I wouldn't be a "Biggest Loser" sob story.  Every season, they have a contestant who has suffered an extreme family loss and gained lots of weight after.  There I was with two of the classic weight gain excuses: grad school and death.

Flash forward a year, and not only did I regain those 15 or so pounds, but they brought along a few friends.  Once I started eating again, I really started eating, and an extraordinary amount of those calories came from pure-d-sugar.  I mean, really, I was denied my daughter, was I really going to be denied a brownie (cake, cupcake, doughnut), too?

But on Monday, I officially turned over a new leaf.  Apparently, public accountability motivates me.  My department at work started a "Biggest Loser" type wellness challenge running through November 1.  But it's not their prize I'm after.  I want to be as healthy as possible when we're ready to try conceiving again.  There are going to be many things out of my control, but my weight and physical fitness are entirely in my own control.  I want to fit into the myriad of clothes in my closet, rather than the handful of things that currently fit.  From a vanity perspective, I don't want the doctor to have to heave my belly fat out of the way if/when I have the TAC surgery.  And, tight abs pre-surgery will help the recovery go faster!  I'm tired of feeling sluggish and tired.

So, anyway, here's my public declaration.  The grief and pain of losing Morgan has made it easy to let myself go, physically and emotionally.  But, now, I'm getting my self and sense of self back!  I'm officially on the anti-grief diet.  The girl in this picture is coming back!

Me, fall 2007.  A bit extreme, perhaps, but it's doable!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Only a Husband

I used to have a blog called 'Only a Husband'.  It was for all of those little things C does that are not fuss-worthy, but certainly not the way I would do them.  After only 3 or so posts in a year, I took it down.

Anyway, I had one of those moments today.  After losing Morgan, I immediately started my research to learn more about what incompetent cervix was, and what could be done about it.  I found out about a procedure called a trans-abdominal cerclage, which is when the surgeon places a loop of suture at the junction of the uterus and cervix.  The procedure is similar in many ways to a C-section, without actually cutting the uterus.  As the stitch is meant to be permanent, it requires a C-section delivery.  I told C about this, and we both felt it was pretty extreme, though I could see the allure in such a procedure.  Fast forward to last night, when I decided to send an email to one of the few doctors in the country who does this surgery on a regular basis.  Just to see what he had to say.  At first, C seemed upset that I'd sent the email.  But, oh boy!  This morning, when I forwarded Dr. Haney's response, his tune certainly changed!  Now, after reading the doctor's repeat of the things I'd already said, he's almost 100% on board with us flying to Chicago for this surgery.  Now, I don't have MD behind my name, but  folks do call me Dr.  I understand where he's coming from and that he's worried about me in surgery, but c'mon! Give me a little credit in deciphering the situation!

I know his heart is the right place, and his hesitance comes from concern.  This is just one of those 'Only a Husband' moments.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Morgan's Daddy Speaks

On the anniversary of losing Morgan, her daddy had a few things to say.  Check out the main video, and the addendum, below: