Random ramblings

I didn't sleep well last night. It was partly because I was very aware that today was Morgan's due date anniversary, and partly because of a tragic story I read before bed.  I knew today was coming. This, the fourth holiday season without Morgan, and it affects me differently each time. This morning, my first thought upon waking was that we should be having a Frozen" birthday party this weekend. Would she have liked the sagas of Elsa and Anna? Would my days be filled with alternating between multiple ear bursting renditions of "Let It Go" by Morgan, and repeated reading of Lola Loves Stories for Avery?

Morgan is the little girl I never knew, but I miss everything about her. Based on their in-utero behaviors, I'm pretty sure my girls would be like night and day. Avery is a pretty chill, go with the flow kind of kid, but Morgan did not hesitate to let me know if she was not happy with the position in which I was laying or sitting. Anyone who thinks the rainbow will replace the lost baby and make everything better is sorely mistaken. One of the hardest parts about parenting a rainbow is that it drives home all that you've missed the first time around.

It seems lately, that reminders are, oddly, everywhere. Somehow, the book Someone Came Before You ended up on Avery's book shelf. This weekend, she pulled it out from amongst her many books. I held my breath, and silently  begged her not to ask me to read it as she turned it around in her hands, looking it over. While we talk about big sister often, I'm not ready to read this book.

A coworker is pregnant, and experiencing some complications. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it puts me on edge. I stay low level anxious until anyone I know has safely delivered their little one. Between my own pregnancy, and two coworkers, I've had some degree of pregnancy related anxiety for nearly 2 years!

At work, a recently hired coworker has a baby girl named Morgan. Another new coworkers name is Morgan. I don't think I've ever known a Morgan, and suddenly, they're everywhere.

When I was pregnant with Morgan, a classmate was pregnant with twin boys, due just days before me. A Facebook photo of them and their birthday presents a few weeks back physically hurt.

In guess it's just the time of year.

Three years...

Roughly five hours from now, at 2:25 am, will mark three years since my Morgan entered and left this world.  I've been dreading this week since the beginning of the month.  The first year, I was miserable.  Nashville is just cold enough to spawn a wave of fall time babies.  July 2013, everyone except me, it seemed, was pregnant.  July 2014, it was my turn, and close enough to our due date to be optimistic.  This year, I'm not pregnant (and not wanting to be, right now), and baby Avery keeps me too busy to mope and mourn.

It's an interesting place, parenting after a loss.  How to parent the living child? The only child who's not an only child.  The child who allowed me to smile a true smile for the first time in two years.  How to parent the child who does not get to play with her baby sister, show her how to be a big girl, and blame her for so much mischief?  How to preserve her memory when no one else does?  When I purposefully suppress it to fully enjoy the days with baby sister?

As we've done the last two years, we'll celebrate Morgan's day with a birthday treat.  This year, it will be a homemade cookie cake.  With work, and the every day routine, there won't be a lot of time to truly focus on Morgan's memory, and that, by itself, makes me sad.