Sometimes, I feel as if I'm stuck in a never ending gestation. When you think of a year, or the 9 months of pregnancy, it doesn't seem like that long of a time, does it? Ordinarily, that amount of time would fly by. Every year, I say, "It's Christmas again, already?", or some other similar comment.
Now, all I can think of is how slow the time is passing. I guess this is becoming a theme here on the blog: how slowly time is moving. There's still another six weeks until the day we were supposed to welcome our little girl into our family, yet it seem she's been gone for so long. The first half of the pregnancy flew by. April, May, June, then July. Each month passed in an instant. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun, because August, September, and October have each felt like a year. Though the pain of Morgan's passing is not quite as raw as it once was, I remember every detail of that night as if were last night. I probably always will. But right now, I just need January to arrive. Will the New Year be a happy one? Maybe. Hopefully. We had such high expectations for 2012, and for a while, it looked like some of our dreams were coming true. Maybe in 2013, we can awake from the nightmare that 2012 has become.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Good Husbands are Priceless
I just want to express how great my husband is. He's always been a great husband, and he made me remember how wonderful he is when I was pregnant. From the moment we got a positive pregnancy test, he basically did everything for us: cook, clean, grocery shop. You name it, he did it. All I did was sleep. He was so good to me that I absolutely felt sorry for women who had to deal with the blech of the first trimester without a loving husband. I mean, I would've been sitting on a pile of old pizza boxes, wearing dirty clothes, if he weren't around.
Then, when I went on bed rest, he is the one who took care of me. He made sure I had food, drinks, entertainment; he even helped me go to the bathroom in the middle of the night right after surgery! And, after Morgan's death, he continued to take care of me. Even now, he still takes care of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm back in the groove of everyday life, but he takes care of me emotionally too, even though I haven't done a good job of doing the same for him.
This post has no real point other than I wanted to brag on him for a minute. Since we lost Morgan, I've spent a good bit of time in the pregnancy loss/grief boards on BabyCenter. There's always a mom sharing how her husband just doesn't understand the depths of her pain and expects her to be normal again, right away. I keep hearing that men just grieve differently...blah, blah, blah, but some of these guys are just jerks and IMO, weren't ready to be fathers. I could not imagine what it must be like to deal with a loss and have a crappy husband. We do grieve differently, yes. But in no way has he tried to discount my grief and make me get over it. He does seem to be able to better hold it together than I can, but I know he still has good days and bad days, just like me.
To the bereaved significant others (husband, boyfriend, whatever): Be there for your wife! Your attachment to your expected baby may not be as strong as hers, after all, you didn't carry that great blessing around with you every second of every day. Let her grieve, in whatever (non-harmful) way she sees fit. Try to cheer her up, if possible, but don't try to fix her. She'll never be the woman she was.
To my husband: I just want you to know how much I truly love you and appreciate you, and everything you have done for me. You are what keeps me going. We missed out this time on being able to watch our little girl grow up. I missed out on getting to watch you get wrapped around her little fingers. But, I know that one day, we'll have our chance.
Then, when I went on bed rest, he is the one who took care of me. He made sure I had food, drinks, entertainment; he even helped me go to the bathroom in the middle of the night right after surgery! And, after Morgan's death, he continued to take care of me. Even now, he still takes care of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm back in the groove of everyday life, but he takes care of me emotionally too, even though I haven't done a good job of doing the same for him.
This post has no real point other than I wanted to brag on him for a minute. Since we lost Morgan, I've spent a good bit of time in the pregnancy loss/grief boards on BabyCenter. There's always a mom sharing how her husband just doesn't understand the depths of her pain and expects her to be normal again, right away. I keep hearing that men just grieve differently...blah, blah, blah, but some of these guys are just jerks and IMO, weren't ready to be fathers. I could not imagine what it must be like to deal with a loss and have a crappy husband. We do grieve differently, yes. But in no way has he tried to discount my grief and make me get over it. He does seem to be able to better hold it together than I can, but I know he still has good days and bad days, just like me.
To the bereaved significant others (husband, boyfriend, whatever): Be there for your wife! Your attachment to your expected baby may not be as strong as hers, after all, you didn't carry that great blessing around with you every second of every day. Let her grieve, in whatever (non-harmful) way she sees fit. Try to cheer her up, if possible, but don't try to fix her. She'll never be the woman she was.
To my husband: I just want you to know how much I truly love you and appreciate you, and everything you have done for me. You are what keeps me going. We missed out this time on being able to watch our little girl grow up. I missed out on getting to watch you get wrapped around her little fingers. But, I know that one day, we'll have our chance.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Walk to Remember
Today was the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It was a beautiful opportunity for parents, family members, and friends to remember the sweet little babies they lost. I didn't need to walk to remember Morgan, I remember her with every breath I take. But, it was nice to be amongst a group of people who knew exactly what I was feeling when I cried as I watched our balloon float away.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Helpful and Hopeful Resources
It feels like I haven't had much to say lately. It felt like I hadn't posted in forever, but my last post was just on October 1. that tells you what kind of weird space/time continuum I live in. Anyway, in that time period that I thought was so long, I thought about shutting this blog down if I wasn't going to write anything. But, last night, at my support group, I met a woman who had actually found it on her own, and read it, and said it helped her. Soooo..., if my venting/free therapy can help just one other person, I'll keep going.
I still don't have much to say, but I thought I would share some resources that have helped me. Please note that I am not endorsing these books, blogs, or websites in any way. Some that helped early on, don't help me now, for example. But each, in its own way, has led me to something else that has helped.
Support Groups
I think that support groups are the most valuable thing I've come across. I currently attend two groups that meet monthly, and would attend weekly if I could. I find the support groups are helpful in seeing that we're not the only people to go through this, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Our first attendance at a group meeting was just 2-3 weeks after Morgan's death, and at the time, I didn't see how I could ever rejoin the real world. It was so helpful to meet a woman who'd had a stillbirth in the spring, and in August, she was walking, talking, and smiling. Not a blubbering mess!
If you're in the Atlanta area:
Caring and Coping - This group is hosted by the Northside Hospital Perinatal Loss Office. This is more of a free form/say what's on your mind group, but I like it because it's open to the entire (adult) family, so my husband and I can attend together. The Perinatal Loss Office maintains a website with links to parents' blogs, baby loss memento shops, and other things that may be helpful.
SHARE Atlanta - This is a women's only group, though female members of your support system are welcome. SHARE has more of a topical format, with each month covering a different aspect of the grieving/ baby loss walk. The SHARE Facebook page is updated more frequently than the website. If you'd like to attend, you'll need to email Marcia McGinnis for the address and directions.
**There's also a national baby loss organization called Share. I'm not sure if they're connected in any way.
Books
Baby Dust: A Novel About Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy
This book is a fictionalized mash-up of the stories of many women combined into the characters of several women who meet at a pregnancy loss support group. This book was more about women who experienced a miscarriage, but the emotional journey is still there.
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCracken
This book is, as the title implies, a memoir. The author and her husband experienced a post-term stillbirth, and this book covers the experience of losing their first baby, as well as the journey through an emotionally charged second pregnancy.
Blogs and Websites
Babycenter.com
After spending months on this site, planning your baby's arrival, you'd think this is the last place you'd turn to for comfort after your baby's death. However, they have several message boards and groups dedicated to Miscarriage and Stillbirth, 2nd/3rd Trimester Loss, TTC after 2nd/3rd trimester loss, Bereaved Parents, and for me, a Cervical Incompetence group. What I like most is that unlike other baby sites (ahem, like The Bump) no one is snarky or rude in any of these groups. Helpful hint: try setting your browser bookmark so that it goes directly to the groups page, so you can avoid all the happy crap on the homepage.
Still Standing Magazine
An online magazine with many many articles written by parents dealing with pregnancy loss, child loss, and infertility. Not every article hits home, but so many do, even when the situation is not the same.
Northside Perinatal Loss Office
As mentioned above, there site is a great resource to finding other blogs.
Baby Loss Blogs
I'm not listing blogs here specifically because there are so many, and each is helpful in its own way. I also don't list them because many are inactive. Once the families have their rainbow babies, they abandon the sad blog and create a new happy blog. I tend to get addicted to my blogs, and get sad when they end, but I'm glad to see happy endings do happen the next time.
I still don't have much to say, but I thought I would share some resources that have helped me. Please note that I am not endorsing these books, blogs, or websites in any way. Some that helped early on, don't help me now, for example. But each, in its own way, has led me to something else that has helped.
Support Groups
I think that support groups are the most valuable thing I've come across. I currently attend two groups that meet monthly, and would attend weekly if I could. I find the support groups are helpful in seeing that we're not the only people to go through this, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Our first attendance at a group meeting was just 2-3 weeks after Morgan's death, and at the time, I didn't see how I could ever rejoin the real world. It was so helpful to meet a woman who'd had a stillbirth in the spring, and in August, she was walking, talking, and smiling. Not a blubbering mess!
If you're in the Atlanta area:
Caring and Coping - This group is hosted by the Northside Hospital Perinatal Loss Office. This is more of a free form/say what's on your mind group, but I like it because it's open to the entire (adult) family, so my husband and I can attend together. The Perinatal Loss Office maintains a website with links to parents' blogs, baby loss memento shops, and other things that may be helpful.
SHARE Atlanta - This is a women's only group, though female members of your support system are welcome. SHARE has more of a topical format, with each month covering a different aspect of the grieving/ baby loss walk. The SHARE Facebook page is updated more frequently than the website. If you'd like to attend, you'll need to email Marcia McGinnis for the address and directions.
**There's also a national baby loss organization called Share. I'm not sure if they're connected in any way.
Books
Baby Dust: A Novel About Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy
This book is a fictionalized mash-up of the stories of many women combined into the characters of several women who meet at a pregnancy loss support group. This book was more about women who experienced a miscarriage, but the emotional journey is still there.
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCracken
This book is, as the title implies, a memoir. The author and her husband experienced a post-term stillbirth, and this book covers the experience of losing their first baby, as well as the journey through an emotionally charged second pregnancy.
Baby Bumps: The Almost, Barely, Not-Quite-True Story of Pregnancy, Bed Rest and One Batshit Crazy Family by Amy Sprenger
I read this one, and almost stopped reading it several times. Again, the title tells you this is fiction. It's not just "names have been changed" fiction. This one deals specifically with incompetent cervix, and the author actually experienced IC herself. However, this book made me angry, as the main character, Annie, is the only one I felt was "batshit crazy". I guess the author wanted to put out a lighter hearted view of what happened to her, but Annie's vanity and selfishness really turned me off. The bones of this story mirrored our situation (except they got a happy ending; sorry for the spoiler), and I know what I was feeling at the time, and this chick just didn't get it. I guess this book wasn't very helpful, but I'm just putting it out there.
I haven't read this one yet, but it's on my list, maybe. This one was recommended to me with the caveat that the language was pretty bad. Looking at the website/blog, I was initially interested, but didn't want to buy it. Looking at the site again today, after reading Baby Bumps, I may not want to read it after all. Grief and gross humor just don't do it for me, I guess. Again, just putting it out there.
Unfortunately, there have not been any medically grounded/self help type books that I've found helpful. This is mainly because IC is not discussed very much in these types of books. This means that I get my info straight from the medical journals, which isn't exactly light reading!
Blogs and Websites
Babycenter.com
After spending months on this site, planning your baby's arrival, you'd think this is the last place you'd turn to for comfort after your baby's death. However, they have several message boards and groups dedicated to Miscarriage and Stillbirth, 2nd/3rd Trimester Loss, TTC after 2nd/3rd trimester loss, Bereaved Parents, and for me, a Cervical Incompetence group. What I like most is that unlike other baby sites (ahem, like The Bump) no one is snarky or rude in any of these groups. Helpful hint: try setting your browser bookmark so that it goes directly to the groups page, so you can avoid all the happy crap on the homepage.
Still Standing Magazine
An online magazine with many many articles written by parents dealing with pregnancy loss, child loss, and infertility. Not every article hits home, but so many do, even when the situation is not the same.
Northside Perinatal Loss Office
As mentioned above, there site is a great resource to finding other blogs.
Baby Loss Blogs
I'm not listing blogs here specifically because there are so many, and each is helpful in its own way. I also don't list them because many are inactive. Once the families have their rainbow babies, they abandon the sad blog and create a new happy blog. I tend to get addicted to my blogs, and get sad when they end, but I'm glad to see happy endings do happen the next time.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Some Holes Can't be Filled
If you're reading this blog, you likely already know that October is Perinatal and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This morning, I posted to Facebook to let others know this, and asked my FB friends to say a prayer for families who will always have a hole where their babies should be. A FB friend, a family member, actually, commented that the hole would be filled again someday. I know her heart was in the right place, but NO! There will always be a hole in my heart where Morgan should be. That part of us will always miss our little baby girl. There will always be an empty seat, figuratively, or perhaps even literally, for her at our table.
I'm sure there will come a day when we can laugh and smile with other people. Where we can look fondly at others with their babies and young children and smile. But that day is not today. It won't be tomorrow, and it won't be anytime soon.
I pressed enter on that FB post before I could ask that folks acknowledge those babies that were lost. Don't act as if the baby never happened, or wasn't lost. It's probably easier for friends and acquaintances to ignore the fact that I was once pregnant, but now I'm not. They probably think they're sparing my feelings by not bringing it up. But, I WANT to talk about Morgan. I want her to be remembered. She touched my life, and through me, will touch the world. Because of her, I'm changed. I can't guarantee that I won't burst into tears, but I can't ignore her affects on my life. From what I've read on other blogs and forums, this is true for many who've lost babies.
Rambling aside, my point here is that the Morgan shaped hole in my heart, in our family, will never be filled. We may have other children, but they can't and won't replace Morgan. Each member of our family is and will be a uniquely shaped piece of the puzzle. Our puzzle began with two pieces. Together, we carved out a randomly shaped third piece for Morgan. Someday, another randomly shaped piece or two will be carved out as well. Handcrafted, and forged with love, no pieces will be the same. Our future little puzzle pieces will be loved no more or no less than Morgan's piece. The other pieces will just have a little more tarnish, a little more wear and tear, because we'll have more time to show our love.
I'm sure there will come a day when we can laugh and smile with other people. Where we can look fondly at others with their babies and young children and smile. But that day is not today. It won't be tomorrow, and it won't be anytime soon.
I pressed enter on that FB post before I could ask that folks acknowledge those babies that were lost. Don't act as if the baby never happened, or wasn't lost. It's probably easier for friends and acquaintances to ignore the fact that I was once pregnant, but now I'm not. They probably think they're sparing my feelings by not bringing it up. But, I WANT to talk about Morgan. I want her to be remembered. She touched my life, and through me, will touch the world. Because of her, I'm changed. I can't guarantee that I won't burst into tears, but I can't ignore her affects on my life. From what I've read on other blogs and forums, this is true for many who've lost babies.
Rambling aside, my point here is that the Morgan shaped hole in my heart, in our family, will never be filled. We may have other children, but they can't and won't replace Morgan. Each member of our family is and will be a uniquely shaped piece of the puzzle. Our puzzle began with two pieces. Together, we carved out a randomly shaped third piece for Morgan. Someday, another randomly shaped piece or two will be carved out as well. Handcrafted, and forged with love, no pieces will be the same. Our future little puzzle pieces will be loved no more or no less than Morgan's piece. The other pieces will just have a little more tarnish, a little more wear and tear, because we'll have more time to show our love.
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