Thursday, March 7, 2013

Rays of Sunshine

In the time since Morgan's death, many things have changed.  On one hand, I have no patience for other people's crap.  My husband has a friend from college whose biggest issue is apparently deciding whether to attend a wedding or a comic book convention on the same weekend.  Must be nice if that's the toughest thing you have to deal with.

On the other hand, I now take time to see things that I completely missed out on before.  Every day, the sun rises and sets, without fail.  Our bedroom has a huge eastward facing window, so I can't miss it. But since losing Morgan, I now notice the brilliance of the sunrise.  Just before the sun reaches its full glow, this beautiful deep pink stripe fills the sky.  I like to think of it as a sign from Morgan.

A few nights ago, I cried myself to sleep, missing out on all of the things we should be experiencing with our little girl.  Usually, when I have a bad night, I also wake up in a bad mood.  This day, I woke up one minute before the alarm, and rolled over to a very intense, focused ray of sunlight shining directly on me.  And I was in a good mood!  Several days later, on a wet, soggy morning, I was laying in bed telling myself that I needed to get up.  Out of nowhere, that focused beam of sunlight broke through the clouds, then went away.

Some babyloss mamas talk about butterflies suddenly landing nearby; I've got my personal ray of sunshine.  As I write this, I realize it's pretty fitting.  I call my husband Sunshine, and I use to joke with him that our kids would be little rays of Sunshine.  I guess that part of the story actually came true.

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