Sunday, September 2, 2012

What Was, Is, and Should Have Been

Just over a year ago was when we decided the time was finally right to try and have a baby.  We had a mini vacation scheduled for August, and that would be the kickoff to baby making.

What was... I'm a couponer, and almost always get the Sunday paper.  About this time last year, the Target weekly add featured their big annual baby sale.  I "casually" mentioned to my husband, though I was in no way pregnant yet, how good the prices were on cribs, and that, if I were pregnant, I'd snap one up.  Without hesitation, he said I should go ahead and get it.  Logic prevailed, and I did not purchase a crib for a baby not on the way.

But, I tucked the little nugget of knowledge that Target had an annual baby sale away in the memory bank.

What was... Flash forward to this summer, and I was, indeed, expecting.  IT was still too early to buy baby stuff, but I was eagerly awaiting the Target baby sale.  If I remembered correctly, the ad would come in August.

What is... The Target baby ad came out today.  Just one week away from what would have been the start of the third trimester.  The home stretch.  But again, I'm not pregnant.  Unlike last year, I was looking toward the future with optimism.  This year, I look back with sadness, at what should have been.

I should have spent this rainy Sunday afternoon curled up with that sales flyer, oohing and awing over espresso finish cribs and pink plaid or polka dot trimmed car seats.  I should have been reviewing safety ratings on baby gear.

Instead, I've spent a portion of this day crying tears of pain for my little girl who should still be in my belly.  Today's tears were of the big fat droplet variety, the kind accompanied by wails of "Why?"  The hardest thing to accept these past few days is that just a few short weeks could have made all the difference in the world.  If I could have carried my sweet girl just a few more weeks, maybe she could have lived.

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