The What Ifs

Why do I torture myself with the "What Ifs"?

*What if we had gone for the ultrasound sooner?
*What if I'd gotten antibiotics after the cerclage?
*What if Morgan had lived, or at least been born alive?
*What if we'd made it just another few weeks?

I've chosen a career path that focuses primarily on causation.  What most people don't know is that a "cause" not only causes the event outcome to be different, but a "cause" can also result in the same outcome, but at a different time.

I was not naive at the start of my stint on bed rest.  As I've said before, I knew too much; so much that it was actually really hard to be optimistic.  I knew there was no way that I would make it too term if I was on bed rest at 20 weeks.  I knew that the amniotic sac had been exposed to vaginal flora, and that the risk of infection was high.  I knew that at 20 weeks, Morgan's chances were essentially zero.

I posted on Facebook that I needed a counterfactual time machine.  If I could go back in time, and do just one thing over that would result in my baby girl being here with me, I would do it. In a heartbeat. No hesitation.  Not that it can actually happen, but which "what if" would I choose?

I also can't help but compare our story to the stories of others I've read on the message boards.  By the nature of their even being on the message boards, their babies have also died.  But, some of those babies lived, even if for just a little while.  Why not my Morgan?  OF course I know this is ridiculous, I still would be here with empty arms.  But, I find myself wishing that if for a few minutes, she would have been able to see, with her own eyes, and hear, with her precious little ears, how much her Mommy and Daddy loved her.  Of course, I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer, but what if?

As I type these words, on the eve of "viability", it seems so cruel and unfair that three short weeks would have made the difference between the doctors attempting to save my baby's life and simply letting nature take its course by doing nothing.  But again, if we'd made it to week 24, and she'd been born alive, would I have wanted her to suffer a multitude of medical tests, tubes, and machines?  What would  her long term quality of life have been if she'd survived?  Again, I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer, and I damn sure couldn't have survived watching her die in my arms, but what if?