Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear Morgan

Dear Morgan,

My sweet, sweet girl.  I want you to know that your Daddy and I love you very much.  We have loved you since the plus sign on the pregnancy test turned blue.

When you were born, we got to hold you and dress you in the tiniest little blanket and hat.  I was glad that they had something your size.  We also got to keep the blanket and hat as keepsakes.  I will treasure them forever.

Despite your tiny size, just 12.2 ounces, you were perfect in every way.  With your hands tucked neatly below your chin, you looked like you were sleeping.  I was surprised to see that you looked so much like me.  My nose and lips, hands and feet.  You had your Daddy's grumpy forehead, and his cheeks.  I wonder if you would have had a dimple.  Either way, you were just beautiful.  I would give anything just to see you one more time.  Over the past few days, I have even wished that I could die, if it meant I could be with you.

Before you were born, I thought is was going to be awkward holding a 7 pound newborn.  Though you were just a fraction of this size, holding you in my arms was the most natural thing in the world.  Daddy and I took turns holding you and rocking you, and telling you how much we loved you.  We were able to sit with you for several hours, but then it was time to say goodbye.

My Angel, I am so, so sorry.  The day after I found I was pregnant with you, I told your Dad before I left that morning, that my only job was to keep you safe.  I feel as if I failed and let you down in the worst way.  How could I not know what was going on with my body prior to that terrible ultrasound appointment?  I failed, as your mother, to keep you safe.  I'm so sorry.  I couldn't fix it because I didn't know.  I just didn't know.

I hate that I won't see you grow up and won't be able to do any of the things I imagined us doing.  But, I know we'll be together again someday.  It may be a long time from now, but we know we'll recognize you instantly when we're reunited.  You will forever have a place in our hearts, and the world will know of you.  Your future brothers or sisters will know that they have a big sister watching out for them from heaven.

I love you, Morgan, and I always will.  Rest in peace, sweet girl.


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