Thursday, August 30, 2012

All Cried Out?

It's been one month and two days since Morgan became an angel.  Yesterday was the first day that I didn't cry.  I had a teary moment or two today, but haven't cried today, either.  I don't know how I feel about that.

On the one hand, it seems that thing I've wanted most, if I couldn't have Morgan, was to feel normal again.  The world around me has kept going.  And it will. With or without me.  I can create a new normal and rejoin the world, or I can wallow in my grief and misery.  Either way, my baby's not coming back.

On the other hand, I didn't expect it to be so sudden.  It's truly like I just woke up yesterday and was fine.  I know the grieving isn't over, but still.

I guess, looking back at life, in general, that I shouldn't be surprised.  After graduating from college, a friend and and I each had a separate series of setbacks that prevented us from jumping into the dreamed of post-graduation adult life.  She took each blow very hard, while I took each one in stride and kept it moving.  She asked how did I become so resilient.  I really didn't have an answer then, and I don't have one now.  I guess I've always looked at life with two options.  I could sink, or I could swim.

Yet, I still thought surely this, this terrible, terrible experience, would be different.  In the first few days, I couldn't eat, could barely sleep.  I started grinding my teeth.  And it seems those around me still expect me to be in that stage.  Though I was dreading it, I went to school on Monday, and some people commented on how brave I was to have come to school.  To be perfectly honest, the first few days at home, I really didn't see an end to the continuous waves of pain.  But each week, I could see improvement.

I do know this.  As I said before, I want to return to normal, or new normal, or whatever it is.  No offense to anyone, but I don't want to be lingering in the grief message boards two or three years from now because I can only function in a world with people who've experienced this pain.

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